Tag Archives: worship

Post Baptism

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After fleeing from my violent husband in 2006 I was granted an Order Of Protection. We lived in a very small town where it just so happened that my “Ex-husband to be” aka the ‘Monster’s sister worked for the judge shortly after she graduated from law school. That had tons of pull in that small gossipy town.

Churches were on every corner but I’ve never felt the Holy Spirit until I joined The Experience. A matter of fact I spent most of my life in church but was surrounded by religious spirits. The few others were “Jesus Freaks” or extremist. I even spent years in the childrens competitive choir and I only lip synced. I was the cute blonde kid with chubby cheeks that everyone thought was special.

Our divorce was also taking place in the very courtroom at the same time as the Mary Winkler case. The “evil” preachers wife who claimed domestic abuse. A big trial for a town of 5000. The murdered preachers dad was the pastor at the Church Of Christ in town.

I was on disability during this time. Mental and physical abuse had exacerbated my metal illness. Even though I was granted the Order Of Protection “I” left the home and “I was mentally ill”. The judge gave the Monster my girls every other week and no support was given. I wasn’t even allowed anything from the home. I wore passed over clothes to court and my shoes were three times to big.

The women’s shelter had these little zip locks full of travel sized toiletries. I was proud to have them. Always save those hotel soaps and donate your clothes. You have no idea what a fresh stick of deodorant might mean to someone.

During the times when the children were with him was a chance to continue the brainwashing. He told them I abandoned them, I didn’t love them and so many horrible things. They were only 7 and 9 and they were raised watching him abuse me. He was a drug addict and if it came down to food or drugs he would choose drugs. Many times he would opt to buy the girls a .99 burger so he could get his high.

His family hired a big expensive lawyer even though they were never a part of their lives prior. They knew what he did to us. This was all a game to see who could win. I had even written a letter and had it put in their safe for when I turned up dead. I knew he would eventually kill me.

I was continually raped by the system. There was only one legal aid in the town and she was so scared of his lawyer she could hardly speak in court and trembled like a coward.

Sometime in this period my daughters were sexually abused.

I had a nervous breakdown.. I ran as hard as I could.  Many times I ran because he was attacking me. He was always left standing arrogantly with my babies in his arms. He broke my foot with a baseball bat and two minutes later would be caressing our babies head.

One time I narrowly escaped during a storm. I ran barefoot down the road all the way to the railroad tracks and waited for the next train to come by then I could throw myself in front of it. Luckily I found a tree to sleep underneath. My feet were cut and bloody and my body ached from the beating.

When I finally worked up the courage to return home he accused me of sleeping with a neighbor. I will never forget that tree..

Back to my breakdown.. I got a hotel room and sliced my legs just for the pain. Then sliced my wrists open. I took 90 high dosage Xanax and the last thing I remembered was laying down in a bloody pool in the bed.

Three days later I woke up in ICU. My family that really didn’t want anything to do with my drama of the divorce, were gathered around my bed. Nobody talks about what happened but from my understanding the doctors called them to the hospital. I almost didn’t make it. I wear bracelets a lot to cover my scars. The only thing to cover the ones on my legs are pants. I forget they are there sometimes until I see a look from someone who notices.

I was placed in a mental hospital for a few weeks. I played checkers with a one legged Vietnam vet and made nice beaded jewelry.

Then I was set free… I had nowhere to go but this camper in someones back yard. It had no running water or anything. It was so cold outside that October. I wrapped myself in blankets and cried.

I didn’t know why God had abandoned me. I knew I was a good person, I knew I had a good heart. I finally fell to my knees and sobbed. I begged God to take this pain. I told him that I knew he wouldn’t give me more than I could handle but I needed him. I really don’t know how long I was on my knees praying. Time seems to pass quickly when I’m with God.

I finally stood up and I instantly felt his presences on me. I was calm and saw things more clearly than I had in years. I had this peace and I knew that I was the one who abandoned God. I can say now that it wasn’t insight but it was God who told me that. He was always here for me..

The monster is now in prison until 2016.

I met the love of my life in 2009.. I struggle at times with PTSD but not as much with being mentally ill.

Last night I gave my life back to God and was baptized. Today I have to start facing the things I need to repent. I tried to kill myself and forever abandon my family and God. I’m not proud of the things I did during that time in particular. Not proud of the life I lived for as long as I can remember. I laid that down and I feel like I can move forward now. Thank you Jesus Lord for carrying that cross so I can live forever in your kingdom.

I don’t know if anyone understands how important this was to me. I’ve had a throbbing anxiety in my throat since last night. I’ve cried off and on most of the day.

I’ve dealt with teen suicide attempts, cutting, eating disorders, autism, a daughter on drugs having sex, a daughter who thought she was a boy and them coming to terms with sexual abuse. All this “little bit” since last September. The Aspergers alone is hard to deal with but truly I thought things were better.. I was suppose to marry Trace Saturday but that fell through. I guess that’s a good thing because timing is of essence.

Is this the challenges I have to face being a born again Christian? The so called “trials” that come along with the rebirth. I am not afraid. I have God on my shoulder and I will cherish every second. I started a fast today.. I’m hoping that it will be my time to become closer and stronger in prayer.

Our Father you ARE an awesome father. When I was lost, cold and in despair you were the only one that was there. Thank you.. In Jesus name I pray, Amen

Playing Bongos With God

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Playing Bongos With God

Today was Wednesday Prayer Group. Any day spent with my prayer group is noteworthy but today was special. Special in a way that I just realized..

Cameron spoke a prayer out and said God is telling him to let us know we can ask for something we’ve held back on. Something that is more a want or gift and not our normal obedience. I smiled because I knew what I asked for once before. Although I knew he heard me I decided to take advantage of the moment again. I asked to sing. Sing majestically! I promised if I had a voice I would sing to him every chance.

I didn’t even think about how shallow it was.. I am asking my Father, creator to change something he made.. Wow!

After a long day and a night full of praise and worship, I came home tired. I kept hearing him say to take a shower.. “But I don’t want a shower” I said to God. Suddenly, I was convicted with being disobedient. That’s how God works. It’s like you’re in a conversation with yourself but you know that those aren’t your thoughts and your ideas..

I smiled so big again.. Yes Papa, you want to talk to me.

I got in the shower with my worship on. I waited and tried to see if I could sing. I know this is why he called me, right! I sang.. Nothing, a matter of fact I was probably more off-key than ever. I can play my imaginary bongos perfectly for him. I dropped to my knees and raised my hands up. I began to tap the water following down at me to the beat.. Yes! God spoke softly to me. He said “I made you perfectly and I love how you sing to me. I want you to understand that and just because you don’t wake up with a new voice doesn’t mean that I didn’t hear your petition. I will give you a stronger confidence in your voice.”

As these words were spoken to me ever so gently I felt ever tap on my imaginary bongos was tapping his hands. It was beautiful….

He took my hands and brought them together like in a prayer position. When I did this in the stream of the water it was the center of the shower head and there was no water. The water poured around the outside. He said “See that when you have your hands closed they are safe from the storm, now open your hands to my storm and receive all of my shelter”.

When I was obedient to God he gave me so much intimacy. He played bongos with me, he told me I was perfect the way he made me and he showed me how opening my hands will allow me to receive his love.

Thank you Lord Jesus, Papa

You ARE an awesome God and creator and I love you so much.

I surrender and seal this with an Autumn Amen..