Tag Archives: Spirit

Post Baptism

Standard

After fleeing from my violent husband in 2006 I was granted an Order Of Protection. We lived in a very small town where it just so happened that my “Ex-husband to be” aka the ‘Monster’s sister worked for the judge shortly after she graduated from law school. That had tons of pull in that small gossipy town.

Churches were on every corner but I’ve never felt the Holy Spirit until I joined The Experience. A matter of fact I spent most of my life in church but was surrounded by religious spirits. The few others were “Jesus Freaks” or extremist. I even spent years in the childrens competitive choir and I only lip synced. I was the cute blonde kid with chubby cheeks that everyone thought was special.

Our divorce was also taking place in the very courtroom at the same time as the Mary Winkler case. The “evil” preachers wife who claimed domestic abuse. A big trial for a town of 5000. The murdered preachers dad was the pastor at the Church Of Christ in town.

I was on disability during this time. Mental and physical abuse had exacerbated my metal illness. Even though I was granted the Order Of Protection “I” left the home and “I was mentally ill”. The judge gave the Monster my girls every other week and no support was given. I wasn’t even allowed anything from the home. I wore passed over clothes to court and my shoes were three times to big.

The women’s shelter had these little zip locks full of travel sized toiletries. I was proud to have them. Always save those hotel soaps and donate your clothes. You have no idea what a fresh stick of deodorant might mean to someone.

During the times when the children were with him was a chance to continue the brainwashing. He told them I abandoned them, I didn’t love them and so many horrible things. They were only 7 and 9 and they were raised watching him abuse me. He was a drug addict and if it came down to food or drugs he would choose drugs. Many times he would opt to buy the girls a .99 burger so he could get his high.

His family hired a big expensive lawyer even though they were never a part of their lives prior. They knew what he did to us. This was all a game to see who could win. I had even written a letter and had it put in their safe for when I turned up dead. I knew he would eventually kill me.

I was continually raped by the system. There was only one legal aid in the town and she was so scared of his lawyer she could hardly speak in court and trembled like a coward.

Sometime in this period my daughters were sexually abused.

I had a nervous breakdown.. I ran as hard as I could.  Many times I ran because he was attacking me. He was always left standing arrogantly with my babies in his arms. He broke my foot with a baseball bat and two minutes later would be caressing our babies head.

One time I narrowly escaped during a storm. I ran barefoot down the road all the way to the railroad tracks and waited for the next train to come by then I could throw myself in front of it. Luckily I found a tree to sleep underneath. My feet were cut and bloody and my body ached from the beating.

When I finally worked up the courage to return home he accused me of sleeping with a neighbor. I will never forget that tree..

Back to my breakdown.. I got a hotel room and sliced my legs just for the pain. Then sliced my wrists open. I took 90 high dosage Xanax and the last thing I remembered was laying down in a bloody pool in the bed.

Three days later I woke up in ICU. My family that really didn’t want anything to do with my drama of the divorce, were gathered around my bed. Nobody talks about what happened but from my understanding the doctors called them to the hospital. I almost didn’t make it. I wear bracelets a lot to cover my scars. The only thing to cover the ones on my legs are pants. I forget they are there sometimes until I see a look from someone who notices.

I was placed in a mental hospital for a few weeks. I played checkers with a one legged Vietnam vet and made nice beaded jewelry.

Then I was set free… I had nowhere to go but this camper in someones back yard. It had no running water or anything. It was so cold outside that October. I wrapped myself in blankets and cried.

I didn’t know why God had abandoned me. I knew I was a good person, I knew I had a good heart. I finally fell to my knees and sobbed. I begged God to take this pain. I told him that I knew he wouldn’t give me more than I could handle but I needed him. I really don’t know how long I was on my knees praying. Time seems to pass quickly when I’m with God.

I finally stood up and I instantly felt his presences on me. I was calm and saw things more clearly than I had in years. I had this peace and I knew that I was the one who abandoned God. I can say now that it wasn’t insight but it was God who told me that. He was always here for me..

The monster is now in prison until 2016.

I met the love of my life in 2009.. I struggle at times with PTSD but not as much with being mentally ill.

Last night I gave my life back to God and was baptized. Today I have to start facing the things I need to repent. I tried to kill myself and forever abandon my family and God. I’m not proud of the things I did during that time in particular. Not proud of the life I lived for as long as I can remember. I laid that down and I feel like I can move forward now. Thank you Jesus Lord for carrying that cross so I can live forever in your kingdom.

I don’t know if anyone understands how important this was to me. I’ve had a throbbing anxiety in my throat since last night. I’ve cried off and on most of the day.

I’ve dealt with teen suicide attempts, cutting, eating disorders, autism, a daughter on drugs having sex, a daughter who thought she was a boy and them coming to terms with sexual abuse. All this “little bit” since last September. The Aspergers alone is hard to deal with but truly I thought things were better.. I was suppose to marry Trace Saturday but that fell through. I guess that’s a good thing because timing is of essence.

Is this the challenges I have to face being a born again Christian? The so called “trials” that come along with the rebirth. I am not afraid. I have God on my shoulder and I will cherish every second. I started a fast today.. I’m hoping that it will be my time to become closer and stronger in prayer.

Our Father you ARE an awesome father. When I was lost, cold and in despair you were the only one that was there. Thank you.. In Jesus name I pray, Amen

A Letter To Boot Camp.. Week 6

Standard

Hey Buddy! WEEK SIX

I hope you had a descent 4th Of July. It sounds like you’re going to have another hard week. It is developing you into the AF man. That’s awesome! I know it seems like a never-ending process and you’re homesick.

Yesterday Trace and I went hiking up to the top of Stone Door. It’s July 4th and the temperature was 78 with not a lick of humidity. Awesome huh.. We’re postponing the wedding until October. We’re going to have a reception (worship/praise) at the church maybe. I’m hoping you can come home. I know you don’t know anything so we will just see if that will work.

Will you get to come home anytime between there and Colorado? You know there is a AFB in Tullahoma here.. We’re thinking about buying a house out that way in the country. Somewhere Grace can have animals and roam the wild. She needs nature! We were out in that area yesterday and God enlightened us on the benefits of that simple life and what being out on a “farm” would do for her. She needs rabbits and maybe a goat. A four-wheeler to ride around the fields. I think this town has a dark curse over the youth here. It’s one of the highest towns in the nation for teen suicide. That’s what our prayer leader said anyway. It makes sense! She can’t grow anymore here in this house and area. I would really like to have a couple of chickens too. lol

I love you so much buddy. I want you to know how proud I am of you. This time you’ve taken to plan your future was the best choice you could have made.

Our Father thank you for the life you trusted me with. Thank you for Mark and giving Chance a good earthy father. Somehow the balance of the of us has created a great son that is firm in his belief. I pray for your hand to be on his back pushing him forward during this last week. I pray in Jesus name that the Holy Spirit is more than abundantly present and he can rest knowing you gave your son for us. This is hard but it is nothing compared to what Jesus went through in order to save our souls. I pray dear Lord that when he feels the pain that you show him a vision of Jesus carrying the cross up to the hilltop. I pray in Jesus name that you place the sound “Because He Lives I Can Face Tomorrow” in his head and he will wake with that. Chance is a grateful child of yours and I pray that you protect him and give him more of the wisdom he has. I love you God, you’re a mighty awesome God.

In Jesus name I pray.. Sealing with a Amen.

I love you Chance. My plane lands Thursday evening. I’M SO EXCITED! I have to change planes in Dallas. I’m not afraid though. I’m not afraid of anything anymore! I have God with me…. SMILE!

Cya Soon!

Mom

I’m Wearing The Armor Of God

Standard

Image

Since the Holy Spirit filled me I have experienced strong attacks from #13 & 15 daughters. The source is clear now. I know that girls wouldn’t intentionally attack me. Yesterday, I laid in the yard and I told God I completely surrender to him. I am going to live entirely on faith and whatever it is he wants me to do, I will do.

I was attacked by #13 with her verbal arrows of guilt and hostility. Something possessed me to hold my arms up in a circle with my fingertips touching to form a shield. I said “I’m wearing the armor of God and I deflect your arrows from the evil spirit”. I seriously have no idea where those words came from. It worked though, she left me alone and I didn’t lose my temper or fight back like the old Leslie would have.

I was really tired and ‘T and I went to our bedroom around 8:00. I knew #15 was wanting me to color her hair but she disappeared all day. I told ‘T she was going to show up wanting her hair done now that I’m going to bed. Sure enough she slithered in and sat at the foot of our bed. She had a snide look on her face and apparently had slept all day. First thing she said was “Why haven’t I colored her hair yet” without a pause or breath she continued her verbal attack. Once again I put up my shield and said the same words “I’m wearing the armor of God and I deflect your arrows from the evil spirit”She tried several times to penetrate me after but I held my shield tight. She finally walked out..

About 10 minutes later she comes back with a different demeanor but it was still in her. Normally, I would be mad and refuse to do it but when she asked again I calmly agreed. As I was getting everything ready I burned a piece of sage to hopefully cleanse the negative energy out. I put on music from church.

I’m finding myself in constant conversation with God. Everything is clear and I know that I will be alright as long as I trust God.

I started applying the color to her hair, it’s a deep red violet color. She started casting out her evil arrows. I stopped and opened the bathroom door because I was getting physically agitated. I couldn’t be pinned in there with it. I stated that she needed to not speak to me. A few minutes passed and I told her that in the nicest way that you have to think about the way your treat the people who you’re seeking customer service from, you don’t want your food spit in.

This is when the attack started to become very real.. I started to get this crushing pain when I lifted my arms to touch her head. The pain was like a wave as it faded when I bent over taking my hands off of her. It’s hard to explain, not muscles and not like stabbing pain. It was a curling uncomfortable feeling. T asked if I needed a pain pill, I said “NO it’s not that kind of pain” because I knew that it was an attack. I knew when I finished touching her the pain would be gone. I finally got as far as I could and I saw flashes of the back of Jesus’s bloody head with the thorn crown. I slowly watched and touched her head deeply, it wasn’t her head anymore. I turn and dropped over my sink exhausted, knowing what just happened.

My theory is the evil spirit that resides in her doesn’t like me anymore. I pray over her, anointing her, demanding they leave my child alone. I plead for God to pursue her and through my hands, my flesh, I feel like God is touching her. There is a raging war between the good and the evil. I was attacked physically by this evil. I pushed through and continued to talk to God the entire time.

I didn’t know if I could even tell Trace all of that. He was waiting to hear me testify because he saw something was going on and he knew that the pain I was encountering was evil. I went in the bathroom before I told him and got on my knees and cried. I thanked God for whatever that was and showing me Jesus’s bloody head.

I did tell Trace even though it sounds so crazy.. Two months ago I was cursing at God and now I’m writing like a mad woman about evil attacking me. I know how this looks and sounds. It appears my mental illness is progressing in a slightly psychotic direction. Or does it? Is this the will of God that people interpret as psychotic? Do we take medications to silence the voice of God? Maybe what seems like reckless behavior is simply acting on blind faith?

I’m beginning to see that we’re all driven by a force. We have either Holy Spirit or Evil Spirit.. One is the driving force because there isn’t two drivers at the same time. I feel like God filled my tank full of the Holy Spirit and I am the vessel that is transporting me through this journey. An evil filled tank will only take us to hell. An evil filled tank will only take us to hell. An evil filled tank will only take us to hell.

Dear God,

Yesterday you showed me many things. Maybe they have always been here but I wasn’t seeing them because I was lacking your intimacy. I’m excited every step of the way because I don’t know what you will show me next. Your opportunities appear in a split spontaneous moment. Thank you for this passion you have filled me with. Thank you for the opportunity to see with your vision..

You gave me (Chin) the name in my sleep.. I don’t know why, but I did what I felt like I was supposed to do. I reached out to Sydney and told her, then prayed for her. Your message was clear and I see that plain as day. I have faith you will show me the answer why some day but until then I will be secure acting on blind faith.

I love you God. Thank you for my children, Trace, and our French bulldog George. I know George has a aliment and I ask that you show me or Trace the source of that so we can help him.

Sealed With A Amen XX

Open Heart, Open Mind

Standard

A few days before Mothers day I was walking out of my bedroom and glanced over to the dresser. Dr.Wayne Dyer’s book “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” was sitting out. I stopped and backed up. Something pulled me back. I picked it up, opened it to a paragraph and read theses words “Keep a open heart”. Sounds simple right..

I grabbed the post it notes off the desk and walked into my bathroom. I wrote ” I am going to keep a open heart and open mind. I commit to going to church Sunday”. I did just that..

Sunday, Mothers Day 2014 we went to the 11:00 service. I was able to bribe #15 into going which was nice. During the service he spoke on many things. The word transgender was even used. Wow.. the moment when you think the pastor knows your deep pain. How? Impossible! During the service I closed my eyes and I felt my eyes roll back in a flutter. I felt this flood enter through my head and fill my chest. I had been only a seven day fast.. I was depleted, conquered, weak BUT I walked in there with a open heart and open mind.

God filled me with his spirit. It’s that simple…

I’m ashamed of my prior writings. I thought of deleting them but something tells me to keep them. Currently, I can’t curse, I can’t drink and I can’t even loose my temper. The man’ and me have joined a spiritual warfare group and a life group. I have so much to write about that has changed me in the last few weeks.  Everything is making sense to me and I feel comforted.

Dear God,

I have felt so unworthy of you. You gave me back my worth. When my days were spinning out of control, you grounded me. When Satan uses his tools of guilt and sin, you have given me armor and wisdom. My tears have become sweet weeping of faith and hope, no longer from the pain. I thank you God, my father, for every breath, I’m honored to fill my chest with your spirit. You’ve replaced my violent flashbacks with images of Jesus nailed to the cross. I wake everyday for weeks with your glorious music in my mind. My feet touch the ground an I thank YOU GOD. I feel your electricity that makes my hands tremble, I feel you and I know you have blessed me. I will not disappoint you dear Lord. I keep seeing flashes of myself cradled in the cusp of your hands surrounded by glorious warm light. These flashes are swift but clear, I know where your are. You’re the song in my wind chimes, you’re the spirit that bridges T’s soul and mine, you’re the smile when I think of my children. You’re my father!

Sealed with a Amen XX