I’ve decided to write you on Tuesdays.
I figure you’re adjusting to your schedule and expectations by now. Things are going fine here. We’re having a graduation party for Lindsey this weekend. I’ve been a busy bee trimming the hedges, searching for cob webs in the corners of the ceiling and tidying away clutter. You know how I clean to perfection. I’m trying to stay calm so that I can enjoy the moment and be myself.
Your sister and your little brother “Greyson” are existing, I wouldn’t call them living. You know how that ship sails! George wants me to tell you hello and he loves you. Trace is proud of you and knows you will excel in this field. From one geek to another!
I’m connecting to Jesus and God now and here is your prayer..
Dear Heavenly Father,
I want to thank you Lord for Chance. I pray that he stands true to his faith and has the courage to stand strong when challenged. I pray that when he’s stretched and feels he can’t go on one more second that you show him Jesus on the cross. I can do anything physically when I see this through your eyes. Bless Chance with that ability to see with your vision. I pray that when he is hungry and the meal hasn’t completely satisfied his hunger that he can distinguish between the physical and mental hunger. Dear Lord as his mother I pray for you to keep him warm at night with your spirit and comforted when he feels broken. I pray that Chance will seek your face at the beginning of his day so that he can wear you making him better ready for anything that comes his way. I ask the Holy Spirit to control his thinking and renew his mind. Cloth him with your precious, unconditional glorious love.
Sealed with a Amen XX
I learned that I had to stop praying to God and pray with him. As I develop my intimacy with him my prayers become more fluent. Sometimes I don’t even know where my words come from. I think a spirit takes over and prays through me. lol
I just read The 1st Core Value of an airman. Wow, that sums you up in a nutshell. I have so much pride in you son.
I love you and miss you.. I miss not being able to text you that when I want.
I’ve made the choice to delete all my old post. Many got to know intimate details of my life but I had no identity. I started writing because I was hopeless and didn’t know any other way to cope. I have moved beyond and I’m back..
I’m still working on forgiveness. I know that everyone is born pure. I think ‘The Monster’ was attacked by evil spirits early in his life. I don’t know, maybe some people are magnets to that and have to fight hard to keep them away. He didn’t have a very christian upbringing leaving him vulnerable. How I can say his name and the word vulnerable in the same sentence is beyond me. This is the only way I know to move forward.
When I had broken bones or my children saw him hurting me is what I call vulnerable. A little child that knows nothing other than what they’re formed into is vulnerable. We survived and we are who we are today because of it. God never gives us more than we can handle. I’ve questioned this for so many years but kept faith that is was true.
I use to sit in my flower beds pulling weeds for hours back then. I was hopeless and mad at God. I thought he turned his back on me and the entire time I had turned my back on him. He is always here, he is the spirit inside us.
“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice“
A few days before Mothers day I was walking out of my bedroom and glanced over to the dresser. Dr.Wayne Dyer’s book “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” was sitting out. I stopped and backed up. Something pulled me back. I picked it up, opened it to a paragraph and read theses words “Keep a open heart”. Sounds simple right..
I grabbed the post it notes off the desk and walked into my bathroom. I wrote ” I am going to keep a open heart and open mind. I commit to going to church Sunday”. I did just that..
Sunday, Mothers Day 2014 we went to the 11:00 service. I was able to bribe #15 into going which was nice. During the service he spoke on many things. The word transgender was even used. Wow.. the moment when you think the pastor knows your deep pain. How? Impossible! During the service I closed my eyes and I felt my eyes roll back in a flutter. I felt this flood enter through my head and fill my chest. I had been only a seven day fast.. I was depleted, conquered, weak BUT I walked in there with a open heart and open mind.
God filled me with his spirit. It’s that simple…
I’m ashamed of my prior writings. I thought of deleting them but something tells me to keep them. Currently, I can’t curse, I can’t drink and I can’t even loose my temper. The man’ and me have joined a spiritual warfare group and a life group. I have so much to write about that has changed me in the last few weeks. Everything is making sense to me and I feel comforted.
I have felt so unworthy of you. You gave me back my worth. When my days were spinning out of control, you grounded me. When Satan uses his tools of guilt and sin, you have given me armor and wisdom. My tears have become sweet weeping of faith and hope, no longer from the pain. I thank you God, my father, for every breath, I’m honored to fill my chest with your spirit. You’ve replaced my violent flashbacks with images of Jesus nailed to the cross. I wake everyday for weeks with your glorious music in my mind. My feet touch the ground an I thank YOU GOD. I feel your electricity that makes my hands tremble, I feel you and I know you have blessed me. I will not disappoint you dear Lord. I keep seeing flashes of myself cradled in the cusp of your hands surrounded by glorious warm light. These flashes are swift but clear, I know where your are. You’re the song in my wind chimes, you’re the spirit that bridges T’s soul and mine, you’re the smile when I think of my children. You’re my father!
Sealed with a Amen XX