Tag Archives: hope

Forgiving My Abuser

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Forgiving My Abuser

Dear Eddie,

I’ve never been as stumped for words as beginning this letter. Trust me, there are words I have for you that would be easy to spew all over the sheets of this letter, that is entirely to easy.

In my personal spiritual growth I know that I can’t climb any further up this mountain until my wounds are completely healed. I refuse to live another day with any weakness in the infrastructure of my being. I’ve studied, researched and had plenty therapy over forgiving but it wasn’t until God’s Holy Spirit filled me that I knew what it meant to forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t make the sins you committed any less viscous. It doesn’t lessen the damage you’ve inflicted or soften the edges of the trauma on the innocent children involved and it doesn’t make me any less of a victim of your abuse.

I will no longer let the word “victim” defy me.

“AND WHENEVER YOU STAND PRAYING, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that you Father in heaven may also forgive your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25)

I’m going to assume you have no knowledge of what a “soul tie” is.

A soul-tie is a spiritual linkage from one person to another. Demons can travel into this linkage and influence the people involved. The soul ties can be formed by sexual relationships, friendships, family relationships. An example of soul ties is when one person still has feeling for another even though the couple broke-up 10 years ago (in your case it’s chains of anger, shame, guilt, disgust). Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to your memory any unholy soul ties that are in your life and speak the soul tie breaking into the atmosphere. Believe that it is done in the name of Jesus Christ.

I Declare aloud!

“I break all unholy ties between me and Eddie in the name of Jesus Christ. I send back to Eddie all parts of him that are in me washed in the blood of Jesus Christ. I return all parts of me in Eddie to me washed in the blood of Jesus. I thank you Jesus that I am free.”

“I break all unholy ties between “Chance, Eve & Grace” and Eddie in the name of Jesus Christ. I send back to Eddie all parts of him that are in “Chance, Eve & Grace” washed in the blood of Jesus Christ. I return all parts of “Chance, Eve & Grace” in Eddie back washed in the blood of Jesus. I thank you Jesus that they are free.”

I rebuke your sins on us Eddie Parrish in the name of Jesus.

I’m fully armored and I raise my almighty sword and cut the ties between Eve, Grace, Chance and myself from your evil spirit. May God have mercy on your soul.

You were born into this world innocent. I don’t believe you are a spawn of Satan but you’ve been cursed from birth. I suggest you repent and spend the rest of your days praying to be delivered from your sins.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do is forgive you. If Jesus can forgive the men who crucified him then I can forgive you.

We are FREE of you..

I’ve prayed for illusions of what they thought was a father to be lifted and they now see God as their holy father. Luckily the girls have Trace as their earthly father and their love is unconditional.

I hope that during the next few years in jail you will have plenty of time to repent and become closer to God. If you don’t have a bible I will send you one. Leo Britt always said not to poke a skunk but as a Christian I am breaking those chains. I ask you not to confuse my forgiveness as an invitation into our lives. I will not have any future contact unless it is to send you requested literature on your salvation and the word of God.

Side note: I’ve addressed the envelope and the stamp package really cracked me up!

Leslie

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Post Baptism

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After fleeing from my violent husband in 2006 I was granted an Order Of Protection. We lived in a very small town where it just so happened that my “Ex-husband to be” aka the ‘Monster’s sister worked for the judge shortly after she graduated from law school. That had tons of pull in that small gossipy town.

Churches were on every corner but I’ve never felt the Holy Spirit until I joined The Experience. A matter of fact I spent most of my life in church but was surrounded by religious spirits. The few others were “Jesus Freaks” or extremist. I even spent years in the childrens competitive choir and I only lip synced. I was the cute blonde kid with chubby cheeks that everyone thought was special.

Our divorce was also taking place in the very courtroom at the same time as the Mary Winkler case. The “evil” preachers wife who claimed domestic abuse. A big trial for a town of 5000. The murdered preachers dad was the pastor at the Church Of Christ in town.

I was on disability during this time. Mental and physical abuse had exacerbated my metal illness. Even though I was granted the Order Of Protection “I” left the home and “I was mentally ill”. The judge gave the Monster my girls every other week and no support was given. I wasn’t even allowed anything from the home. I wore passed over clothes to court and my shoes were three times to big.

The women’s shelter had these little zip locks full of travel sized toiletries. I was proud to have them. Always save those hotel soaps and donate your clothes. You have no idea what a fresh stick of deodorant might mean to someone.

During the times when the children were with him was a chance to continue the brainwashing. He told them I abandoned them, I didn’t love them and so many horrible things. They were only 7 and 9 and they were raised watching him abuse me. He was a drug addict and if it came down to food or drugs he would choose drugs. Many times he would opt to buy the girls a .99 burger so he could get his high.

His family hired a big expensive lawyer even though they were never a part of their lives prior. They knew what he did to us. This was all a game to see who could win. I had even written a letter and had it put in their safe for when I turned up dead. I knew he would eventually kill me.

I was continually raped by the system. There was only one legal aid in the town and she was so scared of his lawyer she could hardly speak in court and trembled like a coward.

Sometime in this period my daughters were sexually abused.

I had a nervous breakdown.. I ran as hard as I could.  Many times I ran because he was attacking me. He was always left standing arrogantly with my babies in his arms. He broke my foot with a baseball bat and two minutes later would be caressing our babies head.

One time I narrowly escaped during a storm. I ran barefoot down the road all the way to the railroad tracks and waited for the next train to come by then I could throw myself in front of it. Luckily I found a tree to sleep underneath. My feet were cut and bloody and my body ached from the beating.

When I finally worked up the courage to return home he accused me of sleeping with a neighbor. I will never forget that tree..

Back to my breakdown.. I got a hotel room and sliced my legs just for the pain. Then sliced my wrists open. I took 90 high dosage Xanax and the last thing I remembered was laying down in a bloody pool in the bed.

Three days later I woke up in ICU. My family that really didn’t want anything to do with my drama of the divorce, were gathered around my bed. Nobody talks about what happened but from my understanding the doctors called them to the hospital. I almost didn’t make it. I wear bracelets a lot to cover my scars. The only thing to cover the ones on my legs are pants. I forget they are there sometimes until I see a look from someone who notices.

I was placed in a mental hospital for a few weeks. I played checkers with a one legged Vietnam vet and made nice beaded jewelry.

Then I was set free… I had nowhere to go but this camper in someones back yard. It had no running water or anything. It was so cold outside that October. I wrapped myself in blankets and cried.

I didn’t know why God had abandoned me. I knew I was a good person, I knew I had a good heart. I finally fell to my knees and sobbed. I begged God to take this pain. I told him that I knew he wouldn’t give me more than I could handle but I needed him. I really don’t know how long I was on my knees praying. Time seems to pass quickly when I’m with God.

I finally stood up and I instantly felt his presences on me. I was calm and saw things more clearly than I had in years. I had this peace and I knew that I was the one who abandoned God. I can say now that it wasn’t insight but it was God who told me that. He was always here for me..

The monster is now in prison until 2016.

I met the love of my life in 2009.. I struggle at times with PTSD but not as much with being mentally ill.

Last night I gave my life back to God and was baptized. Today I have to start facing the things I need to repent. I tried to kill myself and forever abandon my family and God. I’m not proud of the things I did during that time in particular. Not proud of the life I lived for as long as I can remember. I laid that down and I feel like I can move forward now. Thank you Jesus Lord for carrying that cross so I can live forever in your kingdom.

I don’t know if anyone understands how important this was to me. I’ve had a throbbing anxiety in my throat since last night. I’ve cried off and on most of the day.

I’ve dealt with teen suicide attempts, cutting, eating disorders, autism, a daughter on drugs having sex, a daughter who thought she was a boy and them coming to terms with sexual abuse. All this “little bit” since last September. The Aspergers alone is hard to deal with but truly I thought things were better.. I was suppose to marry Trace Saturday but that fell through. I guess that’s a good thing because timing is of essence.

Is this the challenges I have to face being a born again Christian? The so called “trials” that come along with the rebirth. I am not afraid. I have God on my shoulder and I will cherish every second. I started a fast today.. I’m hoping that it will be my time to become closer and stronger in prayer.

Our Father you ARE an awesome father. When I was lost, cold and in despair you were the only one that was there. Thank you.. In Jesus name I pray, Amen

A Prayer To My Son At Boot Camp

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Dear Heavenly Father,

As I play this song I see Mary on her knee’s at Jesus’s feet while he hung from the cross. My heart weeps along with her. As a mother, we all must have that unconditional faith in our children. I can only pray that I have the strength and courage of Mary. May God grant me the wisdom to say the right words, sight to believe that a greater day will come and the power to heal them with my motherly love when their hearts are wounded from the enemies vicious attacks. I pray you show me what you want me to do. I believe in your training Lord, I believe you’ve prepared me with your armor. Dear Lord thank you for speaking to me this morning. Thank you for the one rain drop that landed on my cheek. It was a tear from Jesus, you showed me that.
Lord Jesus I thank you for giving me the ability to travel and see my only son as he graduates from the Air force. You provided what was necessary by giving insight on what was truly of importance. I’m honored that I’m blessed..

“Blessed is the womb that bore you and the breasts that nursed you,”

In Gods name I pray and sealed with a amen +++

A Letter To Chance

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A Letter To Chance

Dear Chance,

I’ve decided to write you on Tuesdays.

I figure you’re adjusting to your schedule and expectations by now. Things are going fine here. We’re having a graduation party for Lindsey this weekend. I’ve been a busy bee trimming the hedges, searching for cob webs in the corners of the ceiling and tidying away clutter. You know how I clean to perfection. I’m trying to stay calm so that I can enjoy the moment and be myself.

Your sister and your little brother “Greyson” are existing, I wouldn’t call them living.  You know how that ship sails! George wants me to tell you hello and he loves you. Trace is proud of you and knows you will excel in this field. From one geek to another!

I’m connecting to Jesus and God now and here is your prayer..

Dear Heavenly Father,

I want to thank you Lord for Chance. I pray that he stands true to his faith and has the courage to stand strong when challenged. I pray that when he’s stretched and feels he can’t go on one more second that you show him Jesus on the cross. I can do anything physically when I see this through your eyes. Bless Chance with that ability to see with your vision. I pray that when he is hungry and the meal hasn’t completely satisfied his hunger that he can distinguish between the physical and mental hunger. Dear Lord as his mother I pray for you to keep him warm at night with your spirit and comforted when he feels broken. I pray that Chance will seek your face at the beginning of his day so that he can wear you making him better ready for anything that comes his way. I ask the Holy Spirit to control his thinking and renew his mind. Cloth him with your precious, unconditional glorious love.

Sealed with a Amen XX

 

I learned that I had to stop praying to God and pray with him. As I develop my intimacy with him my prayers become more fluent. Sometimes I don’t even know where my words come from. I think a spirit takes over and prays through me. lol

I just read The 1st Core Value of an airman. Wow, that sums you up in a nutshell. I have so much pride in you son.

I love you and miss you.. I miss not being able to text you that when I want.

With Love,

Mom

 

Open Heart, Open Mind

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A few days before Mothers day I was walking out of my bedroom and glanced over to the dresser. Dr.Wayne Dyer’s book “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” was sitting out. I stopped and backed up. Something pulled me back. I picked it up, opened it to a paragraph and read theses words “Keep a open heart”. Sounds simple right..

I grabbed the post it notes off the desk and walked into my bathroom. I wrote ” I am going to keep a open heart and open mind. I commit to going to church Sunday”. I did just that..

Sunday, Mothers Day 2014 we went to the 11:00 service. I was able to bribe #15 into going which was nice. During the service he spoke on many things. The word transgender was even used. Wow.. the moment when you think the pastor knows your deep pain. How? Impossible! During the service I closed my eyes and I felt my eyes roll back in a flutter. I felt this flood enter through my head and fill my chest. I had been only a seven day fast.. I was depleted, conquered, weak BUT I walked in there with a open heart and open mind.

God filled me with his spirit. It’s that simple…

I’m ashamed of my prior writings. I thought of deleting them but something tells me to keep them. Currently, I can’t curse, I can’t drink and I can’t even loose my temper. The man’ and me have joined a spiritual warfare group and a life group. I have so much to write about that has changed me in the last few weeks.  Everything is making sense to me and I feel comforted.

Dear God,

I have felt so unworthy of you. You gave me back my worth. When my days were spinning out of control, you grounded me. When Satan uses his tools of guilt and sin, you have given me armor and wisdom. My tears have become sweet weeping of faith and hope, no longer from the pain. I thank you God, my father, for every breath, I’m honored to fill my chest with your spirit. You’ve replaced my violent flashbacks with images of Jesus nailed to the cross. I wake everyday for weeks with your glorious music in my mind. My feet touch the ground an I thank YOU GOD. I feel your electricity that makes my hands tremble, I feel you and I know you have blessed me. I will not disappoint you dear Lord. I keep seeing flashes of myself cradled in the cusp of your hands surrounded by glorious warm light. These flashes are swift but clear, I know where your are. You’re the song in my wind chimes, you’re the spirit that bridges T’s soul and mine, you’re the smile when I think of my children. You’re my father!

Sealed with a Amen XX