Tag Archives: christian

Forgiving My Abuser

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Forgiving My Abuser

Dear Eddie,

I’ve never been as stumped for words as beginning this letter. Trust me, there are words I have for you that would be easy to spew all over the sheets of this letter, that is entirely to easy.

In my personal spiritual growth I know that I can’t climb any further up this mountain until my wounds are completely healed. I refuse to live another day with any weakness in the infrastructure of my being. I’ve studied, researched and had plenty therapy over forgiving but it wasn’t until God’s Holy Spirit filled me that I knew what it meant to forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t make the sins you committed any less viscous. It doesn’t lessen the damage you’ve inflicted or soften the edges of the trauma on the innocent children involved and it doesn’t make me any less of a victim of your abuse.

I will no longer let the word “victim” defy me.

“AND WHENEVER YOU STAND PRAYING, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that you Father in heaven may also forgive your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25)

I’m going to assume you have no knowledge of what a “soul tie” is.

A soul-tie is a spiritual linkage from one person to another. Demons can travel into this linkage and influence the people involved. The soul ties can be formed by sexual relationships, friendships, family relationships. An example of soul ties is when one person still has feeling for another even though the couple broke-up 10 years ago (in your case it’s chains of anger, shame, guilt, disgust). Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to your memory any unholy soul ties that are in your life and speak the soul tie breaking into the atmosphere. Believe that it is done in the name of Jesus Christ.

I Declare aloud!

“I break all unholy ties between me and Eddie in the name of Jesus Christ. I send back to Eddie all parts of him that are in me washed in the blood of Jesus Christ. I return all parts of me in Eddie to me washed in the blood of Jesus. I thank you Jesus that I am free.”

“I break all unholy ties between “Chance, Eve & Grace” and Eddie in the name of Jesus Christ. I send back to Eddie all parts of him that are in “Chance, Eve & Grace” washed in the blood of Jesus Christ. I return all parts of “Chance, Eve & Grace” in Eddie back washed in the blood of Jesus. I thank you Jesus that they are free.”

I rebuke your sins on us Eddie Parrish in the name of Jesus.

I’m fully armored and I raise my almighty sword and cut the ties between Eve, Grace, Chance and myself from your evil spirit. May God have mercy on your soul.

You were born into this world innocent. I don’t believe you are a spawn of Satan but you’ve been cursed from birth. I suggest you repent and spend the rest of your days praying to be delivered from your sins.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do is forgive you. If Jesus can forgive the men who crucified him then I can forgive you.

We are FREE of you..

I’ve prayed for illusions of what they thought was a father to be lifted and they now see God as their holy father. Luckily the girls have Trace as their earthly father and their love is unconditional.

I hope that during the next few years in jail you will have plenty of time to repent and become closer to God. If you don’t have a bible I will send you one. Leo Britt always said not to poke a skunk but as a Christian I am breaking those chains. I ask you not to confuse my forgiveness as an invitation into our lives. I will not have any future contact unless it is to send you requested literature on your salvation and the word of God.

Side note: I’ve addressed the envelope and the stamp package really cracked me up!

Leslie

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Post Baptism

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After fleeing from my violent husband in 2006 I was granted an Order Of Protection. We lived in a very small town where it just so happened that my “Ex-husband to be” aka the ‘Monster’s sister worked for the judge shortly after she graduated from law school. That had tons of pull in that small gossipy town.

Churches were on every corner but I’ve never felt the Holy Spirit until I joined The Experience. A matter of fact I spent most of my life in church but was surrounded by religious spirits. The few others were “Jesus Freaks” or extremist. I even spent years in the childrens competitive choir and I only lip synced. I was the cute blonde kid with chubby cheeks that everyone thought was special.

Our divorce was also taking place in the very courtroom at the same time as the Mary Winkler case. The “evil” preachers wife who claimed domestic abuse. A big trial for a town of 5000. The murdered preachers dad was the pastor at the Church Of Christ in town.

I was on disability during this time. Mental and physical abuse had exacerbated my metal illness. Even though I was granted the Order Of Protection “I” left the home and “I was mentally ill”. The judge gave the Monster my girls every other week and no support was given. I wasn’t even allowed anything from the home. I wore passed over clothes to court and my shoes were three times to big.

The women’s shelter had these little zip locks full of travel sized toiletries. I was proud to have them. Always save those hotel soaps and donate your clothes. You have no idea what a fresh stick of deodorant might mean to someone.

During the times when the children were with him was a chance to continue the brainwashing. He told them I abandoned them, I didn’t love them and so many horrible things. They were only 7 and 9 and they were raised watching him abuse me. He was a drug addict and if it came down to food or drugs he would choose drugs. Many times he would opt to buy the girls a .99 burger so he could get his high.

His family hired a big expensive lawyer even though they were never a part of their lives prior. They knew what he did to us. This was all a game to see who could win. I had even written a letter and had it put in their safe for when I turned up dead. I knew he would eventually kill me.

I was continually raped by the system. There was only one legal aid in the town and she was so scared of his lawyer she could hardly speak in court and trembled like a coward.

Sometime in this period my daughters were sexually abused.

I had a nervous breakdown.. I ran as hard as I could.  Many times I ran because he was attacking me. He was always left standing arrogantly with my babies in his arms. He broke my foot with a baseball bat and two minutes later would be caressing our babies head.

One time I narrowly escaped during a storm. I ran barefoot down the road all the way to the railroad tracks and waited for the next train to come by then I could throw myself in front of it. Luckily I found a tree to sleep underneath. My feet were cut and bloody and my body ached from the beating.

When I finally worked up the courage to return home he accused me of sleeping with a neighbor. I will never forget that tree..

Back to my breakdown.. I got a hotel room and sliced my legs just for the pain. Then sliced my wrists open. I took 90 high dosage Xanax and the last thing I remembered was laying down in a bloody pool in the bed.

Three days later I woke up in ICU. My family that really didn’t want anything to do with my drama of the divorce, were gathered around my bed. Nobody talks about what happened but from my understanding the doctors called them to the hospital. I almost didn’t make it. I wear bracelets a lot to cover my scars. The only thing to cover the ones on my legs are pants. I forget they are there sometimes until I see a look from someone who notices.

I was placed in a mental hospital for a few weeks. I played checkers with a one legged Vietnam vet and made nice beaded jewelry.

Then I was set free… I had nowhere to go but this camper in someones back yard. It had no running water or anything. It was so cold outside that October. I wrapped myself in blankets and cried.

I didn’t know why God had abandoned me. I knew I was a good person, I knew I had a good heart. I finally fell to my knees and sobbed. I begged God to take this pain. I told him that I knew he wouldn’t give me more than I could handle but I needed him. I really don’t know how long I was on my knees praying. Time seems to pass quickly when I’m with God.

I finally stood up and I instantly felt his presences on me. I was calm and saw things more clearly than I had in years. I had this peace and I knew that I was the one who abandoned God. I can say now that it wasn’t insight but it was God who told me that. He was always here for me..

The monster is now in prison until 2016.

I met the love of my life in 2009.. I struggle at times with PTSD but not as much with being mentally ill.

Last night I gave my life back to God and was baptized. Today I have to start facing the things I need to repent. I tried to kill myself and forever abandon my family and God. I’m not proud of the things I did during that time in particular. Not proud of the life I lived for as long as I can remember. I laid that down and I feel like I can move forward now. Thank you Jesus Lord for carrying that cross so I can live forever in your kingdom.

I don’t know if anyone understands how important this was to me. I’ve had a throbbing anxiety in my throat since last night. I’ve cried off and on most of the day.

I’ve dealt with teen suicide attempts, cutting, eating disorders, autism, a daughter on drugs having sex, a daughter who thought she was a boy and them coming to terms with sexual abuse. All this “little bit” since last September. The Aspergers alone is hard to deal with but truly I thought things were better.. I was suppose to marry Trace Saturday but that fell through. I guess that’s a good thing because timing is of essence.

Is this the challenges I have to face being a born again Christian? The so called “trials” that come along with the rebirth. I am not afraid. I have God on my shoulder and I will cherish every second. I started a fast today.. I’m hoping that it will be my time to become closer and stronger in prayer.

Our Father you ARE an awesome father. When I was lost, cold and in despair you were the only one that was there. Thank you.. In Jesus name I pray, Amen

A Letter To Boot Camp.. Week 6

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Hey Buddy! WEEK SIX

I hope you had a descent 4th Of July. It sounds like you’re going to have another hard week. It is developing you into the AF man. That’s awesome! I know it seems like a never-ending process and you’re homesick.

Yesterday Trace and I went hiking up to the top of Stone Door. It’s July 4th and the temperature was 78 with not a lick of humidity. Awesome huh.. We’re postponing the wedding until October. We’re going to have a reception (worship/praise) at the church maybe. I’m hoping you can come home. I know you don’t know anything so we will just see if that will work.

Will you get to come home anytime between there and Colorado? You know there is a AFB in Tullahoma here.. We’re thinking about buying a house out that way in the country. Somewhere Grace can have animals and roam the wild. She needs nature! We were out in that area yesterday and God enlightened us on the benefits of that simple life and what being out on a “farm” would do for her. She needs rabbits and maybe a goat. A four-wheeler to ride around the fields. I think this town has a dark curse over the youth here. It’s one of the highest towns in the nation for teen suicide. That’s what our prayer leader said anyway. It makes sense! She can’t grow anymore here in this house and area. I would really like to have a couple of chickens too. lol

I love you so much buddy. I want you to know how proud I am of you. This time you’ve taken to plan your future was the best choice you could have made.

Our Father thank you for the life you trusted me with. Thank you for Mark and giving Chance a good earthy father. Somehow the balance of the of us has created a great son that is firm in his belief. I pray for your hand to be on his back pushing him forward during this last week. I pray in Jesus name that the Holy Spirit is more than abundantly present and he can rest knowing you gave your son for us. This is hard but it is nothing compared to what Jesus went through in order to save our souls. I pray dear Lord that when he feels the pain that you show him a vision of Jesus carrying the cross up to the hilltop. I pray in Jesus name that you place the sound “Because He Lives I Can Face Tomorrow” in his head and he will wake with that. Chance is a grateful child of yours and I pray that you protect him and give him more of the wisdom he has. I love you God, you’re a mighty awesome God.

In Jesus name I pray.. Sealing with a Amen.

I love you Chance. My plane lands Thursday evening. I’M SO EXCITED! I have to change planes in Dallas. I’m not afraid though. I’m not afraid of anything anymore! I have God with me…. SMILE!

Cya Soon!

Mom

A Letter To Chance

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A Letter To Chance

Dear Chance,

I’ve decided to write you on Tuesdays.

I figure you’re adjusting to your schedule and expectations by now. Things are going fine here. We’re having a graduation party for Lindsey this weekend. I’ve been a busy bee trimming the hedges, searching for cob webs in the corners of the ceiling and tidying away clutter. You know how I clean to perfection. I’m trying to stay calm so that I can enjoy the moment and be myself.

Your sister and your little brother “Greyson” are existing, I wouldn’t call them living.  You know how that ship sails! George wants me to tell you hello and he loves you. Trace is proud of you and knows you will excel in this field. From one geek to another!

I’m connecting to Jesus and God now and here is your prayer..

Dear Heavenly Father,

I want to thank you Lord for Chance. I pray that he stands true to his faith and has the courage to stand strong when challenged. I pray that when he’s stretched and feels he can’t go on one more second that you show him Jesus on the cross. I can do anything physically when I see this through your eyes. Bless Chance with that ability to see with your vision. I pray that when he is hungry and the meal hasn’t completely satisfied his hunger that he can distinguish between the physical and mental hunger. Dear Lord as his mother I pray for you to keep him warm at night with your spirit and comforted when he feels broken. I pray that Chance will seek your face at the beginning of his day so that he can wear you making him better ready for anything that comes his way. I ask the Holy Spirit to control his thinking and renew his mind. Cloth him with your precious, unconditional glorious love.

Sealed with a Amen XX

 

I learned that I had to stop praying to God and pray with him. As I develop my intimacy with him my prayers become more fluent. Sometimes I don’t even know where my words come from. I think a spirit takes over and prays through me. lol

I just read The 1st Core Value of an airman. Wow, that sums you up in a nutshell. I have so much pride in you son.

I love you and miss you.. I miss not being able to text you that when I want.

With Love,

Mom

 

I’m Wearing The Armor Of God

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Since the Holy Spirit filled me I have experienced strong attacks from #13 & 15 daughters. The source is clear now. I know that girls wouldn’t intentionally attack me. Yesterday, I laid in the yard and I told God I completely surrender to him. I am going to live entirely on faith and whatever it is he wants me to do, I will do.

I was attacked by #13 with her verbal arrows of guilt and hostility. Something possessed me to hold my arms up in a circle with my fingertips touching to form a shield. I said “I’m wearing the armor of God and I deflect your arrows from the evil spirit”. I seriously have no idea where those words came from. It worked though, she left me alone and I didn’t lose my temper or fight back like the old Leslie would have.

I was really tired and ‘T and I went to our bedroom around 8:00. I knew #15 was wanting me to color her hair but she disappeared all day. I told ‘T she was going to show up wanting her hair done now that I’m going to bed. Sure enough she slithered in and sat at the foot of our bed. She had a snide look on her face and apparently had slept all day. First thing she said was “Why haven’t I colored her hair yet” without a pause or breath she continued her verbal attack. Once again I put up my shield and said the same words “I’m wearing the armor of God and I deflect your arrows from the evil spirit”She tried several times to penetrate me after but I held my shield tight. She finally walked out..

About 10 minutes later she comes back with a different demeanor but it was still in her. Normally, I would be mad and refuse to do it but when she asked again I calmly agreed. As I was getting everything ready I burned a piece of sage to hopefully cleanse the negative energy out. I put on music from church.

I’m finding myself in constant conversation with God. Everything is clear and I know that I will be alright as long as I trust God.

I started applying the color to her hair, it’s a deep red violet color. She started casting out her evil arrows. I stopped and opened the bathroom door because I was getting physically agitated. I couldn’t be pinned in there with it. I stated that she needed to not speak to me. A few minutes passed and I told her that in the nicest way that you have to think about the way your treat the people who you’re seeking customer service from, you don’t want your food spit in.

This is when the attack started to become very real.. I started to get this crushing pain when I lifted my arms to touch her head. The pain was like a wave as it faded when I bent over taking my hands off of her. It’s hard to explain, not muscles and not like stabbing pain. It was a curling uncomfortable feeling. T asked if I needed a pain pill, I said “NO it’s not that kind of pain” because I knew that it was an attack. I knew when I finished touching her the pain would be gone. I finally got as far as I could and I saw flashes of the back of Jesus’s bloody head with the thorn crown. I slowly watched and touched her head deeply, it wasn’t her head anymore. I turn and dropped over my sink exhausted, knowing what just happened.

My theory is the evil spirit that resides in her doesn’t like me anymore. I pray over her, anointing her, demanding they leave my child alone. I plead for God to pursue her and through my hands, my flesh, I feel like God is touching her. There is a raging war between the good and the evil. I was attacked physically by this evil. I pushed through and continued to talk to God the entire time.

I didn’t know if I could even tell Trace all of that. He was waiting to hear me testify because he saw something was going on and he knew that the pain I was encountering was evil. I went in the bathroom before I told him and got on my knees and cried. I thanked God for whatever that was and showing me Jesus’s bloody head.

I did tell Trace even though it sounds so crazy.. Two months ago I was cursing at God and now I’m writing like a mad woman about evil attacking me. I know how this looks and sounds. It appears my mental illness is progressing in a slightly psychotic direction. Or does it? Is this the will of God that people interpret as psychotic? Do we take medications to silence the voice of God? Maybe what seems like reckless behavior is simply acting on blind faith?

I’m beginning to see that we’re all driven by a force. We have either Holy Spirit or Evil Spirit.. One is the driving force because there isn’t two drivers at the same time. I feel like God filled my tank full of the Holy Spirit and I am the vessel that is transporting me through this journey. An evil filled tank will only take us to hell. An evil filled tank will only take us to hell. An evil filled tank will only take us to hell.

Dear God,

Yesterday you showed me many things. Maybe they have always been here but I wasn’t seeing them because I was lacking your intimacy. I’m excited every step of the way because I don’t know what you will show me next. Your opportunities appear in a split spontaneous moment. Thank you for this passion you have filled me with. Thank you for the opportunity to see with your vision..

You gave me (Chin) the name in my sleep.. I don’t know why, but I did what I felt like I was supposed to do. I reached out to Sydney and told her, then prayed for her. Your message was clear and I see that plain as day. I have faith you will show me the answer why some day but until then I will be secure acting on blind faith.

I love you God. Thank you for my children, Trace, and our French bulldog George. I know George has a aliment and I ask that you show me or Trace the source of that so we can help him.

Sealed With A Amen XX