Category Archives: God

Post Baptism

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After fleeing from my violent husband in 2006 I was granted an Order Of Protection. We lived in a very small town where it just so happened that my “Ex-husband to be” aka the ‘Monster’s sister worked for the judge shortly after she graduated from law school. That had tons of pull in that small gossipy town.

Churches were on every corner but I’ve never felt the Holy Spirit until I joined The Experience. A matter of fact I spent most of my life in church but was surrounded by religious spirits. The few others were “Jesus Freaks” or extremist. I even spent years in the childrens competitive choir and I only lip synced. I was the cute blonde kid with chubby cheeks that everyone thought was special.

Our divorce was also taking place in the very courtroom at the same time as the Mary Winkler case. The “evil” preachers wife who claimed domestic abuse. A big trial for a town of 5000. The murdered preachers dad was the pastor at the Church Of Christ in town.

I was on disability during this time. Mental and physical abuse had exacerbated my metal illness. Even though I was granted the Order Of Protection “I” left the home and “I was mentally ill”. The judge gave the Monster my girls every other week and no support was given. I wasn’t even allowed anything from the home. I wore passed over clothes to court and my shoes were three times to big.

The women’s shelter had these little zip locks full of travel sized toiletries. I was proud to have them. Always save those hotel soaps and donate your clothes. You have no idea what a fresh stick of deodorant might mean to someone.

During the times when the children were with him was a chance to continue the brainwashing. He told them I abandoned them, I didn’t love them and so many horrible things. They were only 7 and 9 and they were raised watching him abuse me. He was a drug addict and if it came down to food or drugs he would choose drugs. Many times he would opt to buy the girls a .99 burger so he could get his high.

His family hired a big expensive lawyer even though they were never a part of their lives prior. They knew what he did to us. This was all a game to see who could win. I had even written a letter and had it put in their safe for when I turned up dead. I knew he would eventually kill me.

I was continually raped by the system. There was only one legal aid in the town and she was so scared of his lawyer she could hardly speak in court and trembled like a coward.

Sometime in this period my daughters were sexually abused.

I had a nervous breakdown.. I ran as hard as I could.  Many times I ran because he was attacking me. He was always left standing arrogantly with my babies in his arms. He broke my foot with a baseball bat and two minutes later would be caressing our babies head.

One time I narrowly escaped during a storm. I ran barefoot down the road all the way to the railroad tracks and waited for the next train to come by then I could throw myself in front of it. Luckily I found a tree to sleep underneath. My feet were cut and bloody and my body ached from the beating.

When I finally worked up the courage to return home he accused me of sleeping with a neighbor. I will never forget that tree..

Back to my breakdown.. I got a hotel room and sliced my legs just for the pain. Then sliced my wrists open. I took 90 high dosage Xanax and the last thing I remembered was laying down in a bloody pool in the bed.

Three days later I woke up in ICU. My family that really didn’t want anything to do with my drama of the divorce, were gathered around my bed. Nobody talks about what happened but from my understanding the doctors called them to the hospital. I almost didn’t make it. I wear bracelets a lot to cover my scars. The only thing to cover the ones on my legs are pants. I forget they are there sometimes until I see a look from someone who notices.

I was placed in a mental hospital for a few weeks. I played checkers with a one legged Vietnam vet and made nice beaded jewelry.

Then I was set free… I had nowhere to go but this camper in someones back yard. It had no running water or anything. It was so cold outside that October. I wrapped myself in blankets and cried.

I didn’t know why God had abandoned me. I knew I was a good person, I knew I had a good heart. I finally fell to my knees and sobbed. I begged God to take this pain. I told him that I knew he wouldn’t give me more than I could handle but I needed him. I really don’t know how long I was on my knees praying. Time seems to pass quickly when I’m with God.

I finally stood up and I instantly felt his presences on me. I was calm and saw things more clearly than I had in years. I had this peace and I knew that I was the one who abandoned God. I can say now that it wasn’t insight but it was God who told me that. He was always here for me..

The monster is now in prison until 2016.

I met the love of my life in 2009.. I struggle at times with PTSD but not as much with being mentally ill.

Last night I gave my life back to God and was baptized. Today I have to start facing the things I need to repent. I tried to kill myself and forever abandon my family and God. I’m not proud of the things I did during that time in particular. Not proud of the life I lived for as long as I can remember. I laid that down and I feel like I can move forward now. Thank you Jesus Lord for carrying that cross so I can live forever in your kingdom.

I don’t know if anyone understands how important this was to me. I’ve had a throbbing anxiety in my throat since last night. I’ve cried off and on most of the day.

I’ve dealt with teen suicide attempts, cutting, eating disorders, autism, a daughter on drugs having sex, a daughter who thought she was a boy and them coming to terms with sexual abuse. All this “little bit” since last September. The Aspergers alone is hard to deal with but truly I thought things were better.. I was suppose to marry Trace Saturday but that fell through. I guess that’s a good thing because timing is of essence.

Is this the challenges I have to face being a born again Christian? The so called “trials” that come along with the rebirth. I am not afraid. I have God on my shoulder and I will cherish every second. I started a fast today.. I’m hoping that it will be my time to become closer and stronger in prayer.

Our Father you ARE an awesome father. When I was lost, cold and in despair you were the only one that was there. Thank you.. In Jesus name I pray, Amen

Mentos Challenge

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My daughter asked me to buy her Mentos at the store today. It was a good day, mentally speaking. I agreed..

Once we were home I was putting away the groceries and Trace walked in. He said “Your daughter is outside puking and recording it” causally with a slight look of disgust.

I thought “great” the eating disorder is back. I thought things were settling down.

Trace grabbed the box of Frosted Flakes and I was relieved that I picked up a gallon of real milk for those. I normally buy almond but today I was feeling like spoiling the family.

He opens the fridge and there is no milk.. “WHAT” I yelled!

Instantly I thought of my vomiting child in the backyard and my temper spiked. Sure enough I ran out and turned the corner yelling “Where the hell is my milk”? 1st I don’t curse much anymore, period. 2nd you’re probably wondering why I didn’t run screaming if Grace was ok since she was puking, right?

This all happened within a minute.. Grace is known to have rather bizarre behavior so it wasn’t as strange at it sounds.

The second I turned the corner swearing about my milk, I ran smack into a strange man. We live in a nice neighborhood and our back is basically fenced in.

My daughter, with bright green hair, was puking milk all over the sidewalk and this man’s dog was licking it up!

I’ve never been so humiliated in my life.. Not to mention it was a neighbor that I’ve never met. His dog got off the leash and he was chasing it through our yard. His little wife stood at the corner of our fence watching and waved as I glanced over petrified.

Anyway, this was some silly internet challenge from what I understand. I think it was a combination of challenges. Milk, Mentos and Diet Coke!

Lord thank you for that special amount of control you gave me during this motherly challenge. I had to stop anoint myself and pray but I didn’t swear or hurt her. Yes, I walked away with my head between my legs but at the end of the day I have found joy in the story. Thank you LORD Jesus for my daughter Grace and my neighbors who were probably just as mortified as I was. Thank you Lord for the uniqueness of my life and family.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen

A Letter To Boot Camp.. Week 6

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Hey Buddy! WEEK SIX

I hope you had a descent 4th Of July. It sounds like you’re going to have another hard week. It is developing you into the AF man. That’s awesome! I know it seems like a never-ending process and you’re homesick.

Yesterday Trace and I went hiking up to the top of Stone Door. It’s July 4th and the temperature was 78 with not a lick of humidity. Awesome huh.. We’re postponing the wedding until October. We’re going to have a reception (worship/praise) at the church maybe. I’m hoping you can come home. I know you don’t know anything so we will just see if that will work.

Will you get to come home anytime between there and Colorado? You know there is a AFB in Tullahoma here.. We’re thinking about buying a house out that way in the country. Somewhere Grace can have animals and roam the wild. She needs nature! We were out in that area yesterday and God enlightened us on the benefits of that simple life and what being out on a “farm” would do for her. She needs rabbits and maybe a goat. A four-wheeler to ride around the fields. I think this town has a dark curse over the youth here. It’s one of the highest towns in the nation for teen suicide. That’s what our prayer leader said anyway. It makes sense! She can’t grow anymore here in this house and area. I would really like to have a couple of chickens too. lol

I love you so much buddy. I want you to know how proud I am of you. This time you’ve taken to plan your future was the best choice you could have made.

Our Father thank you for the life you trusted me with. Thank you for Mark and giving Chance a good earthy father. Somehow the balance of the of us has created a great son that is firm in his belief. I pray for your hand to be on his back pushing him forward during this last week. I pray in Jesus name that the Holy Spirit is more than abundantly present and he can rest knowing you gave your son for us. This is hard but it is nothing compared to what Jesus went through in order to save our souls. I pray dear Lord that when he feels the pain that you show him a vision of Jesus carrying the cross up to the hilltop. I pray in Jesus name that you place the sound “Because He Lives I Can Face Tomorrow” in his head and he will wake with that. Chance is a grateful child of yours and I pray that you protect him and give him more of the wisdom he has. I love you God, you’re a mighty awesome God.

In Jesus name I pray.. Sealing with a Amen.

I love you Chance. My plane lands Thursday evening. I’M SO EXCITED! I have to change planes in Dallas. I’m not afraid though. I’m not afraid of anything anymore! I have God with me…. SMILE!

Cya Soon!

Mom

Playing Bongos With God

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Playing Bongos With God

Today was Wednesday Prayer Group. Any day spent with my prayer group is noteworthy but today was special. Special in a way that I just realized..

Cameron spoke a prayer out and said God is telling him to let us know we can ask for something we’ve held back on. Something that is more a want or gift and not our normal obedience. I smiled because I knew what I asked for once before. Although I knew he heard me I decided to take advantage of the moment again. I asked to sing. Sing majestically! I promised if I had a voice I would sing to him every chance.

I didn’t even think about how shallow it was.. I am asking my Father, creator to change something he made.. Wow!

After a long day and a night full of praise and worship, I came home tired. I kept hearing him say to take a shower.. “But I don’t want a shower” I said to God. Suddenly, I was convicted with being disobedient. That’s how God works. It’s like you’re in a conversation with yourself but you know that those aren’t your thoughts and your ideas..

I smiled so big again.. Yes Papa, you want to talk to me.

I got in the shower with my worship on. I waited and tried to see if I could sing. I know this is why he called me, right! I sang.. Nothing, a matter of fact I was probably more off-key than ever. I can play my imaginary bongos perfectly for him. I dropped to my knees and raised my hands up. I began to tap the water following down at me to the beat.. Yes! God spoke softly to me. He said “I made you perfectly and I love how you sing to me. I want you to understand that and just because you don’t wake up with a new voice doesn’t mean that I didn’t hear your petition. I will give you a stronger confidence in your voice.”

As these words were spoken to me ever so gently I felt ever tap on my imaginary bongos was tapping his hands. It was beautiful….

He took my hands and brought them together like in a prayer position. When I did this in the stream of the water it was the center of the shower head and there was no water. The water poured around the outside. He said “See that when you have your hands closed they are safe from the storm, now open your hands to my storm and receive all of my shelter”.

When I was obedient to God he gave me so much intimacy. He played bongos with me, he told me I was perfect the way he made me and he showed me how opening my hands will allow me to receive his love.

Thank you Lord Jesus, Papa

You ARE an awesome God and creator and I love you so much.

I surrender and seal this with an Autumn Amen..

Visionary

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Visionary

In our prayer group last week or executive pastor joined us. Of course Miss. Denise wanted to pray over him first. I think it’s pretty cool when we can lay hands on our leaders and pray for them.

I find myself drawn to the ground kneeling with my hands on the persons feet as we pray on them. There is a strange comfort I feel. I don’t really understand it. The first time I saw this take place I remember it being overwhelmingly beautiful to me.

Anyway, the entire time they were praying all I could see was him holding an infant baby wrapped in a blue blanket. I haven’t been going to this church long enough to know everyone personally.

I got home and searched his FaceBook for any sign of a child. I tossed around the idea if I should share what I saw. It wasn’t a hint, it was a five-minute long picture that wouldn’t leave my mind.

I have decided to test the things I see even if it’s totally uncomfortable. Like when that person pops in your head and something nudges you to pray or call them. My Daddy and I have that connection, I get him in my head and he will never fail to call. We go weeks, even months without talking so when it happens I know it’s that connection on a different level.

I went for it and messaged him and told him I probably sound totally crazy but I was shown a picture of him holding a baby boy. He never messaged me back. I believe very deeply that he and his wife are going to find out they are pregnant soon. I will let you know!

Peace & Love my friends,

Les